PROVO — Building better
marriages and raising righteous children are the unofficial themes for the
annual LDS Education Week lectures this week at Brigham Young University.
Following the conference theme of "The Quest for Light and Truth," thousands of
Latter-day Saints have gathered on campus to explore everything from family
financial planning to marriage enrichment, effective scripture study and
parent-child relationships. Included were two three-hour blocks of classes on
healing from abuse and understanding domestic violence.
A. Lynn Scoresby, associate professor of family sciences at BYU, said whenever
he speaks to large LDS gatherings about family relationships, he will invariably
be sought out after the presentation by women hurt by family violence. "In the
name of whatever love is between a man and a woman, which would never include
sitting by and watching anyone hurt her. It's just unacceptable," he said.
"I'm so grateful for the admonitions given by the general authorities during
General Conference about the consequences for a man who would do that."
A good marriage can be
the best relationship for learning how to love in a Christ-like way, he said,
but such love "is a very complex enterprise. It's a highly significant
experience that must be tested, worked at and learned over time."
Learning such love "is a
pre-condition for rearing righteous children. They need the active involvement
of both parents. And children need fathers and mothers who are unified" on
family issues including finances, discipline and rule enforcement.
Because Mormons believe
marriages performed in temple ceremonies will continue throughout eternity, they
must use that understanding to make their relationships flourish through "basic
practical caretaking." That means a husband who — rather than merely telling his
wife he loves her — will get up without a word and wash the dishes after dinner.
The concept of "equality" isn't relevant in Mormon marriages, he said, because
such a measuring tool "relies on some external judgment" of what the
relationship should be. If each spouse understands the marriage covenant the way
it was mean to be applied, both will constantly be working to help and support
the other. Selfishness is banished in such relationships, he said. "Our
differences are the source of vitality and growth in a marriage. In that
setting, the concept of justice and fairness are far superior to those same
ideals applied under the banner of equality." That art of "individualizing" a
marriage so it is structured to best meet the needs of both spouses creates a
true partnership, he said. "If a man truly honors his covenants, then he will
spend his life treating his wife as the first and best priority in his life."
With that foundation, children can best be taught by applying six key points of
family leadership:
·
Prepare children more than
punishing them by employing mentoring and teaching techniques. By so doing,
"we're helping God do his job, which is to help his children develop and grow."
·
Learn to communicate more than
control. Anger is a controlling emotion that may get results but creates
resentment, while discussion and communication develop a relationship based on
mutual trust and respect.
·
Encourage more than you
criticize.
·
Involve every child in family
group activities, but learn to individualize situations geared toward each one's
personality.
·
Love more than you isolate. "If
you send them away and isolate them for bad behavior when they're small, whey
they need help or advice as adolescents, they won't come to you. The Savior
constantly asked people to come to him, rather than sending them away."
·
Love children enough to set and
maintain limits regarding their behavior, financial resources and time. "Every
righteous person has a set of internal limits. Righteous children understand
what limits are."
